January

“You’re impulsive.”

Two words that probably meant nothing to you when they rolled off of your tongue. Two words that I still think about months later. Two words that have made a decisive person fear decisions.

“You’re impulsive.”
I know.

I never admit to anything having power over me except the good Lord himself, but if I said that I was not impacted by this still I would be lying. I’ve already done enough of that, though. Especially to you.

“You’re impulsive.”
I know.

I have been hurt, and I have hurt, but I have never hurt someone the way I did you. With my hands stained red I look up at the mirror and see myself. I am the monster.

“You’re impulsive.”
I know.

I can’t move on from it. I can’t move on from you. Every sliver of moment I get to myself I close my eyes and you sneak your way into my mind. Invading my space. I see your face and every one of the few sweet memories we had wash over me like a gentle wave, the details in each bubble. Then your mouth opens. The inside of me contorts and twists upon itself. Words fly out and the gentle wave that once blanketed me suffocates me.

“You’re impulsive.”
I know.

Rivers flowing from my eyes. The salt on my tongue as I open my mouth to inhale. An exhaled apology. Is it enough? My vulnerability. My hopefulness. Is it enough? You take in every piece of me as you sit across the room. I am not a patient person, but this time I was. For you I was. Is it enough? I am met with two words that still have a home in my mind.

“You’re impulsive.”
I know.

April

Months have passed and the words still ring in my ears with every decision I make. The difference from then and now, though, is now I know I am defined by greater things. The difference from then and now is now I do not waste my days away thinking of you. The difference from then and now is now I have moved on. The difference from then and now is now I have found better things. Brighter things. Things that do not involve you.

“You’re impulsive.”

Maybe I am, but those words coming from you mean nothing to me now.